Inside Burning Out

My Little Man Starts School Tomorrow

2006-08-22T10:11:00.000-04:00

I am so excited, tomorrow is my little bean's first day of kindergarten. Of course I am also scared to death about every little detail. Which bus picks him up? Which bus drops him off? Is there a monitor on the bus? Is there someone waiting to take him to his class when he arrives at school? Yes to put it bluntly I am a parent that is a nervous wreck and at the same time all excited about the next chapter in my son's life. It is so exhilirating and yet kind of sad all rolled up into one package to watch my little boy grow into a young man. It seems like just yesterday I was watching him take his first step, scared to death he would fall and hit his head on something. It seems like parenthood is a whole series of "letting go" activities when in reality all you want to do is "hold on".

Other assorted and unrelated B.S.
The Reds got a big win last night over Houston scoring 4 times in the 8th to wipe out a 3 run deficit. I don't even know what to say, this team just does NOT quit no matter what the score or the situation. Slowly but surely it is starting to feel like one of those special years. I have been getting that urge to play Everquest again. It is a huge time drain and I really don't know how I would fit it in between taking care of Bren, spending time with Amber and everything else in my life. Yet there it sits, gnawing in the back of my brain. Ugghhh. Guess for now it will just have to be sacrificed in order to take care of the really important things in life.

Weekend in Gatlinburg

2006-08-07T11:21:00.000-04:00

So me and Amber went to Gatlinburg this weekend. Left Thursday night after work and got down there about 11:00, not bad considering I had worked all day and was tired. We were down there from Thursday until early Sunday when we packed up and headed back north. Of course it took us about 30 minutes just to get out of Pigeon Forge because of the backed up traffic from everyone trying to do the exact same thing we were which is to race home in time to be at work on Monday morning. To top it all off the water was broken in the motel room and the air conditioner was broken in the car so the ride home was not pleasant to say the least.

I had a really great time while we were down there though. I haven't been there in so long and it brought back such a flood of memories from when I was younger and would take family trips there. It has grown a lot since then of course. If you need an airbrushed t-shirt or an old style portrait made with you wearing a cowboy hat then you shouldn't have any trouble. Let's put it this way, you will never be lacking for a place to spend money while you are there. I know we spent too much but hopefully we will be able to pay it back down bit by bit and do the whole thing over again soon.

Things went really well with me and Amber too, not a single fight the whole time and I felt like the trip really brought us closer together. Now if we can just keep the momentum from that going now that we are back home it would be great. I am really happy with her, a happiness I haven't found since the last time I was in love. Used to I would seem to find ways to sabotage relationships even if I was doing it subconsciously but with her I seem to be looking for ways to improve it and make it more enjoyable every single day. We do have our little spats from time to time but everybody does really so I guess that's not out of the ordinary. I can say this, I want to be with her for life, I'm tired of the dating game and all that it entails and I think I have found that person that I can be with forever and be happy now. Just a matter of the time and place to pop the question now I guess...

Watching Life Sail By And Not Doing Much About It

2006-05-08T15:54:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I get frustrated with my lack of willpower and ability to stick with things that I want to do. Whether it’s a diet or some budgetary goal or even a desire to stop cussing so much. What gene am I lacking that I can’t stick with it and not give up? Why can’t I be passionate about something, anything, for more than a month at a time? It’s like I’m wandering through life blindly just looking for that one thing that jumps out and grabs me and sweeps me away as my life’s work. Something that I won’t get bored with.

Other people can do it, do it all the time as a matter of fact. Maybe my brain is just always in overdrive looking for newer and more exciting things to be involved in therefore shortchanging the plan or idea that seemed so great a week or two ago. Maybe some people don’t have that hyper brain mentality that can’t be content with one or two goals at a time. And I really don’t mean that in a condescending way. I know how it sounds and I just can’t think of a better way to put it. If anything I think it is a disadvantage for ME. Sometimes I wish I was more “simple” for lack of a better way to put it.

I posted on here a while back about some weight loss goal I had. Anyone wanna take a guess on how long that lasted? Let’s put it this way, every bit of me is still here that is here the day I made that post. Every pound present and accounted for. I’m guessing at this point the only motivation, for anything, that I’m gonna find is gonna be external. Internally I just don’t have the killer instinct and drive to do the things I set out to do. Maybe if a hot girl approached me and said “wow you could stand to lose a few pounds” the anger and hurt from that would give me the drive I need to stick to it. Maybe if a friend or someone I feel competitive towards was able to afford some shiny new car or toy I would be driven enough then to stick to my monetary goals and not impulse buy stupid things that I don’t really need.

I think I will try and take up writing soon, maybe something fantasy or horror driven. Some people that have read some of my work have said they think I have a knack for it. Or maybe they were just being nice. I guess time will tell. Sometime today though I’m gonna sit down and seriously re-evaluate all of the goals and ideas that have come and gone by the wayside in my life the past few years. I really want to figure out the underlying reason why they didn’t come to fruition and see if any of them are worth pursuing again.

Grandma Lillian

2006-05-05T12:23:00.000-04:00

I miss you already. The words are hard to come by. How do you put into print the effect of having someone’s love given so freely to you for so many years with nothing at all expected in return? I remember us going shopping downtown on my birthday so many years go. You taking me out to eat at Frisch’s afterwards. I never realized at such a young age that the most important gift you gave me that day wasn’t a toy gun or a GI Joe figure, it was the simple fact that you loved me so much and wanted to spend time with me. That the simple fact that you saw me so happy and excited was worth so much to you.

I remember you coming over to the house to visit on the weekends and sitting around the dining room table with mom and Aunt Jean talking. I remember us visiting you at your place and cutting dad’s hair while me and Kara and Kristi played hide and seek and explored all over your house. I remember getting pieces of candy out of the jar you kept over on the shelf behind the refrigerator. You left me with so many emotional gifts, so many precious memories, thoughts that I will hold near to my heart until the day I cross over and can see you and hug you and tell you I love you in person again.

I know you were very sick at the end, I know you battled as hard as you could, just like you always had throughout your life. I can’t imagine the pain you must have endured as that horrible disease started to slowly take you these last few years of your life. I wish I could have taken the pain for you, somehow transferred it to myself and made it easier on you. My only comfort is that I know during these last few tough years you had many moments when the fog of that horrible disease lifted and you knew me and the girls and mom and dad. You had moments where it all came rushing back to you and everything was right with the world. I’m so happy I could be there for those moments, so you know that your grandson loved you and was still there.

The last time I got to talk to you was one of those moments. I said “grandma, it’s Jason, I’m here, I love you.” And your eyes opened up just a little bit and you squeezed my hand so tight. I know you knew me, and I hope right at that second you thought about that trip on my birthday so long ago. I love you grandma, and I will miss you from now until the moment I get to hug you again.

My Triumphant Return

2006-02-18T11:19:00.000-05:00

Hola to anybody and everybody that may stumble across this page. Been away for a lot longer than I thought I would and I'm hoping to post a lot more consistently now. No promises but I will definitely try. Not like I'm Hemingway or anybody and people are hanging on my every word anyway but you get the point.

So I'm doing my best to rededicate myself to my workout regimen starting today. That means no more soft drinks (which means caffeine withdrawal headaches), no more LaRosa's pizza, no more cookies when I get my Subway. Ugghh, in other words my diet is going to be like somevision of hellish bootcamp until I get accustomed to eating that way again. I had been eating healthy like that for about 2 years and then one day I decided a candy bar and a coke would be a nice treat. After all, one can't hurt right? Well one lead to two and two lead to three and now I have some work to do. I've never been good with limiting myself so the whole idea of giving yourself a treat day every once in a while doesn't work for me. With me it's either all or nothing. So now it will have to be nothing.

Not that I'm in bad shape, I hit the gym 4 days a week, do lots of cardio, lift lots of weight, but then I turn around screw it up by leaving the gym and hitting Baskin Robbins. Anyways, I have made this promise to myself that by the time spring rolls around I will be back where I want to be, which is only 10 pounds lighter. Not an unrealistic goal I don't think. I'll try and track my progress on here as an addendum to whatever topic I may be posting about that day.

So here's entry one: 196 pounds. 186 is the goal.

Sorry for no recent posts

2005-12-18T12:20:00.000-05:00

I've been down with a cold the last week or so. I swear I must be the most sickly person alive. Lord only knows how I've made it to 31 at the rate I'm going. I'm working on a long and meaningful post though and hopefully will have it up in a few more days. Gotta make sure I have it just right first.

I hate snow...

2005-12-09T11:22:00.000-05:00

No really, I absolutely despise snow. If not for the fact that my entire family lives in this area and I have such a deep emotional bond to this community and its sports teams and such I would move so far south I could shake hands with Fidel Castro. Yesterday evening I got to drive home in a snowstorm. Nothing like driving 5 to 15 miles per hour on a highway that looks like a skating rink/parking lot. I'm thinking I should probably get a winter car to drive around in this shit since my summer car leaves much to be desired on the safety scale. I'm thinking I may go buy some tire chain thingys at the AutoZone to see if that will help me some. I already have some sand bags in the back to help it out and I can tell it makes a difference. It's a Camaro by the way so it's rear wheel drive with no wieght in the back at all and a big engine. Any other suggestions to help would be greatly appreciated. In other news my Bengals got the big win last Sunday over Pittsburgh which really sets us up nicely for the playoffs. Now if we can just take care of the business we have left this last month of the season we will be hosting a playoff game for the first time since I was in high school. I am really excited! Jax tell the hubby I said sorry, we needed a win over Pitt in the worst way. I think you guys aren't done yet for the season, if you win out I think you will make the playoffs too. Friendly reminder to everybody to get that Christmas shopping done early! I don't wanna be stuck in a crowd when I'm trying to get mine done on the 23rd or 24th. I know I know, it's all about me, hahaha.

Huge Game Tomorrow

2005-12-03T10:17:00.000-05:00

Well tomorrow my beloved Bengals go rolling into Heinz Field to take on the Steelers. We are playing pretty good football right now, especially on offense, but for some reason I'm just not feeling real good about the outcome. For one thing, they just seem to have our number. Kind of how the Patriots had the Colts number for so long until just this season when the Colts were finally able to get over that hump. The Steelers have beat us 6 out of the last 7 times we've met and it's starting to get a little old quite frankly.

Anyways, the key for me will be stopping the Pittsburgh rushing attack. Their offensive line is a little beat up so they might not be quite as effective as they were against us earlier in the season. If we can hold them to right around 100 yards or less I think we win easily. If not I think we are in for the same kind of butt whoopin they gave us last time. If we win tomorrow we have a two game lead in the division. If we lose things are once again up for grabs as we would be battling for a wild card again. My bold and fearless prediction:

Bengals 28
Steelers 20

Good night now!

2005-12-02T18:06:00.000-05:00

The Infamous Jaycint

I Am So Very Average

2005-12-02T08:32:00.001-05:00

Hi. I'm 6 ft tall. White. 198 pounds. Blue eyes. Work a desk job. I struggle to make ends meet. Which makes me very average I guess. I've been struggling with that a lot lately. What separates me from every other 6 ft tall white guy with a shitty job and nothing wonderful on the horizon? I mean there has to be some little niche out there on the face of this big blue and green ball that only I fill right? Something that makes me a necessary and needed part of human existence.

My son is the easy answer. To him I am the closest thing to God. He lights up and comes running to me when I get home from work or the gym and all of my worries melt away as if they never even existed. And for that little 4 or 5 hour window of time before we both fall asleep my world is perfect. Lots of people would qualify as parents though right? And I'm sure a lot of them have a lot worse circumstances than I do. I work with guys and know guys in my personal life that hardly ever get to see their children because of divorce or some other factor. I don't know how they do it. There is such a special and strong bond between me and my son, he is truly my heart and every breath that I draw I do it for him.

I have kind have gotten off topic though. I am so deperate to find some happiness in my life right now aside from the given happiness and joy of being a daddy. Something in the near future that I can latch onto as a goal or something I am working towards. I want that one thing that when somebody mentions my name they can immediately link it to something I've accomplished or done that is special. See, there really isn't anything wrong with being 6 ft tall, white, 198 pounds with blue eyes; the tragedy for me would be not adding more to the end of that sentence.

Can it get worse?

2005-11-29T11:56:00.000-05:00

I know, I know, yes it can get worse, please spare me. Allow me to whine and bitch for a few minutes, it might make me feel better which just might save people's lives if they happen to cross me the wrong way today so consider it as you doing a public service by letting me rant for a minute.

So dear blog reader, you might be asking yourself: "What could this spoiled white boy with a comfy middle class upbringing, a car and a job have to complain about?" Well let me tell you, I woke up with a virus this morning. I can't begin to express in words how much I hate having stomach viruses. I would rather have a fingernail ripped off completely and then have salt dumped on the open fleshy wound than to have to throw up. Which by the way I haven't done yet. So far all the festivities are happening at the other end of my body which is more than okay with me. Only problem I am facing right at the moment is that I had to play Mr. Warrior and come into work anyway instead of doing the logical thing and staying home. Going to work leads to idiots approaching me to make mind numbingly boring small talk which leads to me not being able to make a mad dash for the restroom when my ass tells me it's time yet again. 12 today so far, but who's counting right?

Worst part of this is I thought I had managed to avoid the bug that is currently running amock inside me when members of my family had it last week. It had made it's pilgrimage through just about every one of their lower intestines and I thought I was in the clear. Nice try. Apparently as I was under the impression I had somehow missed the St. Bowelentine's Day Massacre the little bastards were already inside me plotting my demise. Anyways, I'll try to update again sometime within the next few days when I am feeling a little better. Have fun Christmas shopping and make sure to buy me something nice and expensive. Either that or a gift certificate to an Asian Massage Parlor that employs girls named Trixie or Candy.

Happy Thanksgiving

2005-11-24T09:56:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving all you out of shape, can't button the top button of your Levi 501 jeans, pumpkin pie eating fools! As I type this I'm watching Al Roker's fat ass interviewing some soap opera scrub at the Macy's parade. It got me to thinking, what the hell are parades for? I mean really, what's the point. Let's all go stand out in the cold in November and catch a cold while a shitty high school band marches by playing songs you don't recognize. Add in the oversized Scooby Doo and Dora the Explorer balloons and you have the recipe for something I would rank just ahead of bamboo shoots under my finger nails as far as me wanting to do.

Since I've turned this train wreck on they have had like 3 special performances and I've only even remotely recognized one of them. Christina Applegate looks a lot better now by the way than she ever did back in the Bundy days, but even she was singing some shitty song I've never heard. I think I figured out why they only have these parades on a few select days a year though. In particular on Thanksgiving everybody is running around the house in the morning either getting ready to head to relatives houses or in the kitchen cramming stuffing up an unfortunate turkey's ass. If people weren't so busy and took the time to watch the parades they would be exposed for the horrible entertainment they are.

Not to be completely negative, best of wishes to everybody today. I know we all, if we look hard enough, have plenty to be happy and thankful for. In my case I have a son that's my heart and soul, being able to get up every morning and play with him and watch him grow before my eyes is the most special gift anybody could have ever given me. I know I'm not breaking any new ground here but I'll repeat it any way: If you have a happy and loving family that more than makes up for all of the bullshit that you have to put up with in your every day life and makes life so worth living.

Today's predictions:
Atlanta 27
Detroit 16

Denver 24
Dallas 14

Me 49
Turkey 0

Have a great day everybody...

2005-11-23T14:25:00.000-05:00

I want to make this little corner of the web about my thoughts on random subjects. Might be current events, might be something from my past, who knows. One thing I WILL tell you is it won't be given up on after one or two posts. I am planning on trying with all my might to add to this at least once a week. I think it will be good for me since a lot of the stuff I plan on discussing on here I really can't hold long conversations on with my friends. Not that they aren't good friends or that they won't listen, it's just that I consider myself a different kind of cat and wouldn't want to bore them with things that they could really care less about.

Now why total strangers on the web would have any interest in my crazed ramblings when even my friends don't is a question I have yet to answer in my own mind. Then again, while it may be nice to know someone out there took the time to read something I wrote, maybe in reality this is all just for me. Hopefully it will be cathartic in some way for me to just set my mind free and share everything inside it, ok maybe everything isn't such a good idea. All I have come to realize after bumbling through 31 years of life is that keeping my emotions pent up inside is doing me no good and is slowly eating away at my soul. So this will be my little attempt to let the outside in, or maybe to let my inside out. You be the judge.